ANNIVERSARY OF RECOVERY

Looking back on my rear view mirror, i find a girl who was uncertain about a lot of things. She suffered from not being able to keep faith in anything or anyone.She was so insecure and haggard by life's injustice that she would tear up at slightest provocation. She would suffocate, knowing that her strength as well as her weakness is the same things. She couldn't spit it out, nor could she swallow.

But she tried very hard to be able to believe and have faith in a person, once again.She still wanted to believe in True Love, Companionship, and Commitment.That 'Honesty really is the best policy', that truth really does win over lies, and that Dreams truly come true if you believe, and put your hundred percent honest effort into realizing them.

AND, On this very day she reestablished that faith and once more started to believe.Once more she took a chance with her mended trust and heart as well.

After 2 years, her life has certainly gone through some distinct changes.She has learned and evolved as a person and of course, seen some yet painful days, but, she still holds on to her faith very strongly...and at times fighting for it.

What didn't change, is the fact that she still cries.

Sometimes you see her tears. But she has grown to know better. So she craft fully feigns maturity and hides them with her indifferent and cold smiles, and forced sarcasm and out-of-age maturity.For, its better to be called an Ice Queen , nonchalant, and anti-romantic;

than a pathetic wretch of a woman lead by heart and foolish sentiments.

A rEaL ChRisTmAS tReAt iNDeEd!!!

This was an up date i made some 2 years ago, which remains incomplete.


----------------->""Well...after all that had happened I truly deserved a real treat. It was necessary for me to try and do something exceptionally merry. I hoped like anything that this Christmas turns out to be a real benchmark b'coz i needed some really strong memory to keep me off the quite frequent but omnipresent out bursts of negativism.(refer to Haphazard)
I don't mind being sad...but i mind being sad for the same reason over and over again so many times.I m surprised that sadness itself hasn't got bored of me already...But never mind that now.*rolls eyes*
So where was i? yea...i was at the verge screaming out loud that i need a break!
and what break can be more welcoming than Christmas itself?!
I tried to invoke the dormant social butterfly inside of me.(partly to check whether its still alive or not >_>) and hurray!it woke up!(though it was still lazy after the long slumber)
In other words...I concentrated my attention to take a grand and fruitful attempt at Christmas.
I thought of some possible expeditions that i can indulge myself into.This was almost a week before Christmas itself...i know..plenty of time eh?...think again.It took me most of the week to just decide on what kind of celebration i want to have.""----------

I'll tell you what happened. I never got to celebrate that year. I prepared a grand feast for myself, bought cakes and all. But made plans to hang out. And go watch a movie by myself.But it around 4:30 pm it started to ...and i felt so let down! I almost cried. Will everything, even Nature itself get in the way of my happiness?WHY?

Then a crazy idea struck me! But suddenly i felt like getting wet! There was no one at home(mom went to a neighbor's and got stuck there due to rain), So sneaked out in the balcony and stepped into the cold freezing rain on 25th December evening.The sun had gone down...but there was light in the horizon. And i did nothing...kept standing there and getting drenched and chilled to the bone.
The feeling, the experience,- it was emancipating... I was liberated from the claustrophobic darkness engulfing me, and as my senses started getting numb....I realized how much my senses still worked.

That was the Christmas treat i had for myself on the 25th of December in 2008.
Later, that evening, i remember, my friends paid me a visit. I too went out with them when the rain stopped.But, though i cu the cake and all, i had this terrible headache which turned into a fever by midnight...and i faintly remember enjoying my mother's care and rebuke.
^_^

HaPhaZArd

..that's what my life has become...haphazard.
I was lost.This last 6 months...i went astray in a world that i thought was reality.
Well guess what?...it was not.
It took me a long time to realize its time to for me to find my way back.
And i m trying the same...irrespective of the knowledge of my extent of success in the matter.

The past tragedy has got me shattered, broken, mislead, wounded, astray, disoriented, cracked, crippled , busted, disintegrated, mutilated, humiliated, mortified, disgraced, injured, desolate, disconsolate, perturbed, aimless, unthinking ,insecure, apprehensive, discouraged, petrified, intimidated, solicitous....huh!


IN SHORT MY LIFE IS SCREWED .

Dunno why all those negativism struck me ..
after all its been quite a long while since i have last visited my blog.
Maybe be the next time i'll post I'll come up with something more than hopelessness...
maybe someday i'll b something more than just love...


love
ciao
Sin

What She had to say.

Now first of all let me apologize for not sharing anything for such a long time after that trial(oh lemme mention that it DID work..in fact i am using the same method to post yet again.)..you must be thinking i make a habit of it(saying 'sorry', i mean)there are 2 reasons for it...
1)i couldn't come up with a topic which i can make a part of my blog.
2)even if i did find an issue worth discussing over here..not enough time and language to put it through(yes..even i can run out of words to express my self..i call it 'one-of-my-phase').
What i am going to post now is not as interesting as you may presume...so let me pop that bubble of urs...in other words don't expect a lot from this blog.

It is amazing how every other English class compels us to dive into the fathomless depths of our own minds...and NO neither the lesson.NOW the teachers are to be credited for that..or maybe they should be..after all...its all becoz of their lousy teaching that we find our self..drousing off.in order to fight away this untimely trance we rather engage ourself in something else(playing 'tic-tac-toe' or the likes, drawing,solving crossword puzzles...or simply daydreaming.).Now this is necesary as most of the time the english classes are followed by physics...and it is REALLY hard to concentrate once the essence of sleep gets the better of you.
personaly i the last obtion is applicable to me...(and from a recent discovery) even the girl who sits beside me.
Its quite natural to scribble something down when u r lost in one of those daydreams of urs...not always they turn out to be something rich and meaningfull..and honestly..they are mostly garbage...and sometimes they are at the border line of both the genres.you have already got a glimpse of my literrary expertise(ahem)>>If not then refer to the blog titled -CROSSWINDS.

But today i am here to share what nostalgic thoughts trouble my pal 'debo'...I wouldnt have come across it,if i didnt ask for her notebook to cover up all that i missed during my absense(as some of you know...i was out of station.probably the 3rd reason for this long gap between this and my last post).
i personaly cant make out exactly What she has to say...so i leave it to you guys.
PS:please spare her grammatical as well as spelling mistakes...i am trying to reproduce exactly what she wrote.

"Life is an open book.But is covered by a thick layer of dust.It is an unsolved mystery that moves along its path with an assumption of being a solved simplicity.thoughopen,one barely cares to remove the dust from it, and read the story it has to tell...even the author loses the purpose of of it somewhere in the pages.of we designate a separate book for each soul,with its own salient features,such as the illustrations,thickness,style,genre,etc,we still come across a similar beging and ending- birth and death.keeping that in mind ...then is life an aparently locked yet open bookthat gets registered as a closed chapter in the history of mankind?Or do the pages of these chapters get lost somewhere due to negligence...only to be replaced by fresh sets of memories.?It makes my thick that God is a lousy organiser...he isnt good at keeping track of his lil library (the world),He is a fine artist,a scholar...Inspite of all these complexities...the great story of life goes on to be writen spontaneously , as new pages find their way into it..and old depart."-----Debasrita Chokroborty (with careful and permitted editon from me ofcourse!)
After reading this so many questions filled up my mind...the first was that-even she compares life to books?(refer to the previous blogs and you'll knwo what makes me surprised.)I asked her if i can make this a part of my blog. I asked her what exactly she wanted to say through this..as i found her writing very unclear and confusing at the same time...HEr answer was-'i dont know'.So let me see if We can find an answer to that.Now one may ask...why do i bother so much?..i say- just for the fun of it!!! (:

Well Do post your comments...i am sorry if i dissapointed you guys in this blog. Can't help it..see you lovely people arround again.

ciyea!
love you!
Sin!!!

A TRIAL~

You people don't need to pay attention to this post..(yea ..that's right..the only post i make is also not enough attention seeking!)i am actually experimenting with a new service a i came across...i am using that service to post..lets see if it works..this way my posts will be more frequent as i don't have to visit my account every time to post something...
well hopefully it works!..if u can read this..then it sure does!

C'EST LA VIE ~ Of a Natural Fool

Ah finally i get some time to my self...and my blog. It has been a really busy weekend and proved to be all the more frustrating. What i thought would be Cherry Blossoms turned out to be Prickly Pears (and thats the best metaphor i could think of). In order for you to completely appreciate my tragedy and my endurance i must start with a Foreword.
I knew that this weekend would be eventful- with Saraswati Puja coming, exhibitions at school, the DJ party and valentines day...which will eventually blend with the rest. Naturally i was excited. here i would like to add that for us teenagers Saraswati Puja has got a whole new meaning apart from the occasion itself. On this day we dress up like traditional Indian ladies...that is in a Saree.It takes months of preparation to come up with the perfect color (which is more appreciated if its got a 'basanti' tinge, the shade being Goddess saraswati's favorite color.)

After we are done with that, we are faced with a new challenge-the matching blouse that has a perfect fit. I had always been rather unfortunate in this regard, being a lil skinny. And i hadn't really decided on my attire for this year, coz i was gonna demonstrate for the exhibition. Just when i gave up the idea of Saree, my aunt shows up. She considered the situation and took it rather personally.And i don't how but while me and my partner were preparing our exhibition project, Mom and Aunt got all things arranged - the Saree, the blouse, the jewelry, and a lil bit of this and that...(you know how it goes)- just the night before the showdown!
The reason we are all hell bent on the Saree , is its fun to arrange for the puja and then participate in the same. Pictures and video recordings are taken and it is a wonder full feeling...all this just to sit beside that idol and act like a grown up.

I went to sleep with butterflies fluttering inside me, who just refused to take some rest, and i woke up just to find out i cant take part in the puja...in Saree or any other dress for that matter! (-_-) Forget taking part!...I wasn't even expected to go near the idol!!! everything i had thought of , night before, was gone in vain.
(i hate to say but there are certain rules in my religion i would like to change despite being religious myself)
After a lot of nagging from my friends and my family i decided to at least attend the exhibition...yes..in the same Saree which seemed so useless now.I kept to the exhibition room and took extra care not to go upstairs(where the puja was going on). I got really restless when i heard the mantras and everything...and even close to crying when some one informed that my place in arranging the diyas, had been taken happily by a junior! Then and now i had to come up with an excuse to the inquiring eyes... A True Tragedy...but i guess That IS Life...
And i still had something else to look forward to...The DJ Party the next day...No religion can come between me and my fun the next evening. I took the tickets from my friend and carefully kept them in my bag. I was picked from school by my friend. I went to his place to enjoy the rest of the day (his sister is my dearest friend and i am always welcome at there place). After lunch we were having a nice lil chat in her room...and the fatigue overcame me...and i eventually crashed beside her. She woke me up around 5 30 pm and her bro was ready to drop me home.
I had barely entered the front gate, when two other friends came calling...i excused my self...got rid of the Saree..changed into a a skirt and t shirt..and left with them. I came home around 9 pm and hardly waited for the dinner to go to bed!(all the while oblivious to the fact that my bag wasn't with me!!!!)

I was woken up the next morning by an overexcited BOO Boo (my pet puppy)...and i couldn't help but feel the same.Finally a fruitful day where i get to act according to my plans.yeas...nothing can possibly go wrong!
At the breakfast table, i got a call from my old teacher who lives near by. She has invited us over for lunch along with her current students...my mom and aunt started off with 'how nice it was of her to still think of me as her student' and 'how we should all show our appreciation by being there on time'. Thats when i started to panic cause i was expected at the party around 3 pm! I managed to squeak in between them with a tiny voice, that i had other plans for that day (my mom knew ). My aunt was still hell bent that we shouldnt avoid their invitation like that, and it would be the same if they were to go there without me.!! After a lot of persuasion it was decided that i will at least pay a short visit ,at my teacher's...and i didn't have a choice but comply with it..
At that point of time my aunt asked me the details of this "party" i was so excited about.finding myself a little laking of such details she demanded the tickets...i reluctantly entered my room. And then it came like a bolt from the Blue- I couldn't remember where my bag was!!! It was already 12 30 by that time! I looked for it every where...hopeless and defeated i dropped to a chair. Mom and aunt both were engaged in hunting for the bag.
Then mom asked me,'when was the last time you were with it?" It was only then that i realized i didn't bring it back home from my friends' place! Without even answering mom i rushed to make a call...the land line kept ringing..supposedly no one was at home. I panicked even more (if that was possible that is). I tried her cell phone and then her brother's...and thankfully he picked up! there was a lot of noise in the back ground that proved they were on the road or something... In a flick of a second i told the whole mater to him...
He assured that he did find a blue bag while looking for his wallet that morning, that didn't belong to his sister...But it was next to impossible for him to go back home and bring the bag to me as he was out of station with his friends...
i could feel my eyes blurring and my face getting hot.Maybe it reflected in my voice cause he suddenly promised to try his best and get the tickets for me on time.He asked me to go ahead with the preparations..
In spite of my protests i was dragged to my teachers place as we were already late...I acted like a total jerk, discouraging the the kids and their fun. MY teacher noticed that and i lied i wasn't feeling well. Though she didn't look very convinced with that excuse ,she asked me to go back home.I was over whelmed and didn't waste a second to carry out her suggestion..as if it were an order.
i was about to turn the keys of the front door when i heard some one call me from behind. I turned to find my Savior...on a black pulsar (rather than a black horse) smiling to me with a blue bag hanging from his shoulder!That was my friends' brother! He saved me and my day!
I felt like hugging him...but controlled my self. He went away in a hurry so i couldn't thank him enough. (i was too busy checking on the party passes)
yes ...there they were folded in two halves. Satisfied with the sight that faced me, i entered inside.
i realized i was too busy brooding over the lost tickets to get myself ready and it was already 2:10 pm. I rushed to the cupboard, took out my make up kit ,and the rest of the accessories. I noticed there were 3 missed calls from my friend. Humming my way through the dressing up process i decided to return a missed call... A minute later i heard the cell ring...no, it wasn't a missed call. I tried to calm my over excited voice before answering the call. It was my friend with whom i was supposed to go to the party.
This is what she said- "I suppose you are getting ready for the party?...listen to me carefully. Sudip(the dj) called me up and asked me to inform you that due to some confusion with the police the permission for the party was canceled. Th party itself is postponed to some unknown date.Most of them who went there have already returned..." I couldn't bring myself to say anything at that time... The fact is Gods grow jealous and enjoy making fool of us...
Thats it for now...

PS: Credit for the title goes to taurius.
Ciyao

-_-

M Not In love

Last day some thing funny and interesting happened...and i couldn't find my logic or principles to rationalize it...
It didn't let me sleep the whole night...i kept on thinking about it.
I couldn't even understand the feelings i was going through(& maybe still am).
It all seemed so strange...and yet so familiar...
i know m not making any sense.
And that was the exact reason i dropped the idea of posting about it when it first occurred to my head...
then as i was just about to leave this page feeling lost and defeated,the music widget began a song titled -"I Am Not In Love". By 10cc
i was immediately interested in the song and followed the lyrics very carefully..funny how it went with my feelings(o.k...maybe not by every word )
I have got the lyrics here in the hope that i might be able to express lil bit of what i am going through...

I Am NOT In Love~

I'm not in love
So don't forget it
It's just a silly phase I'm going through
And just because
I call you up
Don't get me wrong, don't think you've got it made
I'm not in love, no no, it's because..

I like to see you
But then again
That doesn't mean you mean that much to me
So if I call you
Don't make a fuss
Don't tell your friends about the two of us
I'm not in love, no no, it's because..

I keep your picture
Upon the wall
It hides a nasty stain that's lying there
So don't you ask me
To give it back
I know you know it doesn't mean that much to me
I'm not in love, no no, it's because..

Ooh you'll wait a long time for me
Ooh you'll wait a long time
Ooh you'll wait a long time for me
Ooh you'll wait a long time

I'm not in love
So don't forget it
It's just a silly phase I'm going through
And just because I call you up
Don't get me wrong, don't think you've got it made
I'm not in love
I'm not in love


Well hope i have been able to share some of the emotions running high inside of me...
ciyea!
Sin

:S

Looking back ( <_< )

Another year has come to an end . . . pushing me a step closer to my inevitable . . .


Having finished reading another chapter in The Book Of Life, I still don't anticipate the conclusion though...the story so far had been interesting, and educational as well (^_^). However, at this moment the story is going through a dull phase, and I don't feel the excitement.. I have always believed that a true reader will always try to hold on to the earlier pages of a book...and The Book of Life is no exception.

Therefore I take this time to 'Look back' into 2007, before bidding it farewell... Let me see how much of it still holds a place in my mind. It is an efficient way to measure the moments one has lived through. Lets see if I have lived enough...

But sorry friends,I cannot share these reflections with you as my scribblings wont make any sense. It is impossible to represent fragments of my life in a page (or web page -_-) without delving deep into my innermost secrets.

That will be so strange...sometimes I wonder how little you know of me...

Ciyao!

SIN
^_^